Saturday, June 13, 2015

Ask And Ye Shall Receive (5e Race- Iagur)

Simon Bisley, duh
Ability Score Increase: Your Strength increases by +1 and your Dexterity increases by +1
Age: 75 years
Alignment: Whatever
Size: Medium
Speed: 40'
Green Death: You gain a Climb speed equal to your normal speed, and can climb while grappling.
Leaper: When you use your movement to make a long jump, you may long jump your Constitution score in feet from a standing start, and double that with a 10' lead.
Language: You speak Common.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

VDND Drunken Master Monk Subtype WHILE DRUNK

This is a venerated kung fu archetype and YES it will be in the game eventually, maybe even SOON, and YES I'm sure others have beaten me to this, probably even doing a GREAT JOB. But I am drunk and I'm running a game in a world where the ocean is alcoholic so here we go.

Path of the Drunken Master

Step of the Drunken Monkey

When you choose this path at 3rd level, you gain the following benefits:
  • You may spend your Action to quaff one dose of alcohol and regain 1 Ki.
  • You may spend 1 Ki to use your Patient Defense class feature, even if you have already taken a bonus action this round.
  • You may also spend 1 Ki to use Patient Defense as a reaction, even if you have already taken a reaction this round.
Stance of the Drunken Ox

At level 6, you become proficient with Constitution saving throws if you aren't already. Additionally, the number of drinks you have imbibed using your Step of the Drunken Monkey feature since your last rest is added to your AC. You obviously lose this bonus with your next rest.

Slap of the Drunken Carp

At level 11, when you use your Flurry of Blows feature, you may instead cause a target within melee range to make an attack against a creature within range. The creature may not pull its punches, and must attack the new target as if it were you.

Style of the Drunken Dragon

At level 17, hindering terrain no longer affects you while you are under the influence of your Step of the Drunken Monkey. Additionally, you gain 2 Ki for each drink by using your Step of the Drunken Monkey option. Finally, the number of drinks since your last rest also apply to your unarmed damage, no merely your AC as in the Stance of the Drunken Ox.

Friday, June 5, 2015

Moon Slave VDND World Tour- Trophies and Fetishes and Offerings to Moon Slave

This is a Trinkets table constructed for those who follow Moon Slave

Roll d100.

  1. Tongue of the last of its kind
  2. Hilt used to kill someone
  3. A jar of witchflesh, in sardine oil
  4. Bone jewelry
  5. A shrunken and gnarled mummified hand
  6. A pouch of lye
  7. A dream journal that fills a new page every morning, but with someone else's dreams
  8. Virgin blood
  9. Slut blood
  10. A fistful of broomstraw
  11. An egg from the heart of a human man
  12. The eyes of a ghoul, which transfix the vision
  13. A bottle of air from a kingdom which burned
  14. A folio of certificates claiming to be souls
  15. Tongs
  16. A glass shard which only reflects scorpions scorpions scorpions
  17. A scorpion
  18. The heart of a noble deer
  19. A mask made from dog flesh
  20. The heart of a human man filled with sleeping bees
  21. A tablet that produces thick purple smoke in water
  22. An oil which burns with contact with air, in a wineskin
  23. A piece of Moon Slave's grave marker
  24. The crown of a forgotten nation
  25. A contract for murder, blank
  26. A sack of rotting meat
  27. An old man's skeleton, complete
  28. A flag, half-burned
  29. A mud-matted wig
  30. A pair of iron dentures
  31. A vial of frogs' wings
  32. 50 coins weight of nightshade berries
  33. Black sand
  34. Ashes from a burned priest
  35. Red candle of witchmass
  36. A hammer washed in fear sweat
  37. A torn painting
  38. A dead plague rat
  39. A shroud from a corpse you didn't kill
  40. The genitals of a corpse you did kill, packed in salt
  41. Wicks made from king tallow and shrew tails
  42. A mysterious green liquid in a vial
  43. A foul smelling purple semisolid in a jar
  44. A glow-in-the-dark white powder in a tube
  45. A deep, hypnotically deep red ichor, in a wineskin.
  46. Mead full of screams
  47. Gelatin made from war horses
  48. Bellows
  49. Matches
  50. Hair from the oldest person to have died in your home town
  51. Stone crocodile tears from a basilisk
  52. Ground up witch hunter bones
  53. A collection of witchfinder pins
  54. A noose which broke, praise Moon Slave
  55. A perfect leaf, slowly yellowing at the edge
  56. A headdress adorned with rib bones
  57. Greaves of coffinwood
  58. A broom, but a mundane one
  59. A catskin
  60. A big fuckoff carved ivory Gandalf pipe
  61. An elk carcass swole with maggots
  62. The finger of a friend
  63. The spine of an adversary
  64. The face of a lover
  65. A comfy pillow
  66. A torch made from a stake
  67. The only innocent sparrow
  68. A rain talisman
  69. A chalk which catches ghost, allegedly
  70. A fertility symbol
  71. An ENORMOUS fertility symbol
  72. Their own casket
  73. A small box filled with pried off fingernails
  74. Twelve pillbugs who never open maybe they are something else maybe i bet
  75. Bloodsaturated sugar
  76. An ancient surrender, never recognized
  77. Your old teeth, from before you became
  78. The only song metal enough for Moon Slave, never played, requiring never invented instruments, written by His child who couldn't speak
  79. An extra shadow, in the shape of Moon Slave, which you carry in your pack and can attach/detach at will.
  80. A memory of your last or perhaps only happiness, made physical in the form of a wooden cat monster figurine.
  81. Scary makeup
  82. Long smoking firelighters you can stick in your hair or beard
  83. Gloves made from a calf's stomach
  84. Hit list
  85. A book of spells, all of which are simply gibberish
  86. A potion which will only be potent for 1 hour, that has 100 more days to mature. Its effects are unprecedented.
  87. An eagle's egg filled with mucousy spiders.
  88. A new language
  89. A drawing of Moon Slave stained with its creator's tears
  90. The First Book of Moon Slave
  91. The Second Book of Moon Slave
  92. The Third Book of Moon Slave
  93. The Fourth Book of Moon Slave
  94. The Fifth Book of Moon Slave
  95. The Sixth Book of Moon Slave
  96. The Lost Book of Moon Slave
  97. The Forgotten Verses of Moon Slave
  98. The Last Book of Moon Slave
  99. The First Revelation of Moon Slave
  100. A soul on a chain, always screaming, only you can hear it

Wild Sorcerer Effects Tables for 5e

This is a modification from the way VDND uses its Wild Sorcerer flavor rules. They are not flavorful enough for me. To this end, every time a Wild Sorcerer casts a spell they roll on the first table, which we can call a minor effect table, rolling 3 dice: two d20 and a d10. If the result on either 20 is a 1, their result on the other d20 is instead compared to the SECOND table, with more serious and uncontrolled effects, which you can think of as a wild fuckup table. Otherwise, the die which lands CLOSEST to the DM is consulted against the first table. The d10 gives a value that certain effects will key off.

Wild Effect Table

  1. Target of the spell changes color. Like it turns shades of blue. This lasts for d10 minutes.
  2. The Sorcerer gains an out-rrrrrageous French Accent for the next d10 minutes.
  3. The Sorcerer sees only females for 1 round.
  4. The target of the spell smells delicious for 1 hour.
  5. Every time the Sorcerer speaks for an hour, bubbles float out of her mouth.
  6. The target of the spell loses all concept of direction for d10 minutes. They don't just forget where north is, they forget WHAT north is, and all directional concepts are interchangeable.
  7. A certain type of indigenous local animal will be drawn to a random member of your party for 1 hour.
  8. One person other than Sorcerer in the room glows like candle fire for d10 minutes.
  9. One nonmagical item in the vicinity of the Sorcerer turns into butterflies. They scatter.
  10. 11 minstrels appear and play loud music, following the Sorcerer, for d10x4 minutes. They vanish into smoke if attacked, but they all have families who love them.
  11. One member of the party appears as a 6 year old version of themselves for d10 rounds. Their game statistics remain unchanged.
  12. One creature in the area gains the ability to cast Charm Person once.
  13. The touch of all party members tarnish silver and other metals for 1 hour.
  14. The Sorcerer becomes covered with alien blood.
  15. The target of the spell may only cluck like a chicken for 1-2 rounds, where an even d10 roll means 2 rounds and an odd d10 roll means 1 round.
  16. The Sorcerer's AC and damage bonus improves by the number of visual aids - "flair" - they have brought with them for their character today.
  17. The target of the spell speaks like Bizarro.
  18. The Sorcerer gains a one-shot use of a Cleric cantrip for the rest of the day.
  19. The spell is accompanied by the sound of an enormous fart.
  20. The Player controlling the Sorcerer closes or covers her eyes for d10 minutes. Her character suffers no penalties, and she may act while blind, but she must have everything described to her in d10 words or less.
 Spell Fuckup Table

  1. The spell reverses; the Sorcerer is the target and must make necessary saves, while the target receives any benefits of the Sorcerer's spell.
  2. The spell randomly targets a different creature in the area.
  3. The spell randomly targets a member of the Sorcerer's own party.
  4. The target of the spell has Advantage on this save/The Sorcerer has Disadvantage for this attack roll.
  5. The Sorcerer turns to iron for 1d10 rounds, immovable and indestructible.
  6. The Sorcerer loses the ability to read for the rest of the day.
  7. The target of the spell becomes capable of casting the same spell, once, for the rest of the day.
  8. A random creature changes gender for 1d10 days.
  9. A random flammable item in the vicinity catches fire. This may also inflict d10 damage depending on the case.
  10. The Sorcerer has Advantage for this spell/imposes Disadvantage for this save, but suffers d10+ the level of the spell in damage themselves.
  11. The Sorcerer must cast the same spell again next round, if able, or suffer the spell's full effects without a save.
  12. A CR 1 creature appears.
  13. A hostile CR 1 creature appears.
  14. A CR 1 creature allied with the target of the spell appears.
  15. An indifferent CR 7 creature appears.
  16. The Sorcerer loses all Spell Points for the day, though she may confer them to another Sorcerer.
  17. The Player controlling the Sorcerer and the Player next to her swap characters for d10 minutes.
  18. The target of the spell teleports home, in comfort and safety.
  19. The Player controlling the Sorcerer may not speak for 1d10+5 minutes, and communicates only in mime. The DM designates her interpreter, and what the interpreter says goes concerning the Sorcerer's actions.
  20. Roll once on each table, both results occur.

Koreshan Sphere Wizards

I am not trying to step on +Arnold K. here whatsoever. Go and read his Sphere Wizards and use them and then tell him you used them and how that went.

This is for a....different perspective.

They are not spheres who are wizards. They are being who become wizards by being spheres.

The Koreshanians

When you spend sometimes decade in study, unlocking the esoterica of the planes, you normally increase in power and understanding, slowly, until as a wizard you are practically a different creature, as removed from man as man from rat. Mostly, this is a matter of a shift in fundamental perspective.

Some people approach cosmic power in the other direction: achieving the perspective, and allowing the power to follow. These are called sphere wizards, and their eyes are opened using time drugs.

These wizards leave behind their corporeal form and become a part of the fundamental universe. This makes the universe itch like crazy and try to dig the wizard out with a rusted sharp spoon, but for the man who becomes the sphere wizard...

From their perspective, they are within the central point of the known world, as it curves around and over them. They sky is above them and within the curve. It is the perspective of an ancient or an idiot spread across space so that everywhere you look is everything.

They exist as points of energy. In lower planes they may appear as a circle or wheel, and in higher planes they may seem as a 3-sphere or cylinder. In the normal world, however, they resemble large balls, about the size of one of those sex balls or pilates balls and why did I write sex balls first??? The wizard is within the sphere, or it's better to say they are the inside of the spheres. What you see in the 3d world, the sphere, is merely the interface point of a part of the universe amongst itself. Sphere wizards are masturbation but then aren't all wizards?

They move by means of  relative manipulation, locomoting their position in the universe. Typically they will attach their gravity to another ally and slightly orbit. They affect the world by reaching through their interface point - the sphere - and imposing their energy on the energy of the world surrounding that interface. (Remember they aren't omnipresent or omniscient, merely a part of everything/a part in everything. They can only control their bodies, but affect themselves in creatures and objects.)

From their perspective, they are reaching out and down into a point in the world and manipulating it, pushing this influence out through the point in space they have deigned to interface with.

They don't have AC as such. They basically have their Intelligence as AC ascending/every point above 9 as a negative modifier for descending for the sphere, since they cannot be touched in another manner. Attacks must focus on the surface of the interface, on the "funnel" to a point in space which is also every point in space. The more abstracted damage the sphere takes, the more stress is put on the overmind of the sphere wizard, and the less likely they are to maintain their form. AC roughly equates then to the strength of the Sphere Wizard's focus, and damage to that focus is a grounding element that ties them closer to the physical plane like a lightning rod.

At 0HP, the sphere shatters, which means that the sphere inverts, which means that the universe ripples a little and the wizard becomes corporeal again. They do not return to human form; rather, their one-with-all being manifests in a physical form. One accustomed to not needing oxygen, and not needing to withstand normal atmospheric pressure, and they will then race themselves to see if their tissues disintegrate before they suffocate. Often they drown in gallons of the effort of their breath.

HD: d6
Saves: as Magic-User
Attacks: as Magic-User
Advances: as Magic-User
Requirements: Intelligence 12 or lower (because the smart guys are too smart to take the easy way out just because it sounds more sexy and powerful).
  • Each round, a Sphere Wizard can do three things: move its interface in relation to another part of itself,  observe, and manipulate a mundane object as if the sphere had invisible hands. It cannot do this with enough facility to wield a weapon.
  • Sphere Wizards can see everything within 360 degree squared, though it takes effort to focus on it all and limit their sight in order to understand part of the world/themselves.
  • A Sphere Wizard's reach for manipulation is its Intelligence in feet or meters or whatever. It may attempt to affect a worn/possessed item, using its Wisdom for anything that would normally be a Dexterity or Strength test. This reach increases 1' each level.
  • Sphere Wizards are roughly 3.5' across and float about 3' above the ground.
  • A Sphere Wizard has a series of abilities called Perspectives. Each level it becomes capable of achieving a new Perspective, corresponding to level number reached. It may effect as many Perspectives as it can so long as the total level requirement for unlocking each Perspective does not exceed the Sphere Wizard's current level.
  • A Sphere Wizard collects "spell slots" like a normal Magic User but do not gain SPELLS like Magic-Users. They can, however, learn spells in the course of play (from another player or by finding a spellbook).
  • They can manipulate as many objects at a time as it has spell slots, but may only use one of these to practical effect each round. High level Sphere Wizards have deadly orbits.
  • A Sphere Wizard is proficient with no weapons or armor, but it may successfully manipulate an object as a "wielded" projectile for 1d4+Wisdom bonus damage.
  • A Sphere Wizard may know any number of languages it chooses, being everywhere and everything. However, the Sphere Wizard may only communicate a number of words at a time equal to its level.
  • At 3rd level, a Sphere Wizard observing through its lens can see all invisible creatures as well.
  • At 5th level, a Sphere Wizard may also use its spell slots to recharge magical objects, imparting the power cosmic.
  • At 9th level, a Sphere Wizard's interface lens becomes charged with magical energy, like ball lightning. Touching the membrane between the real world (the wizard's inner concave world) and the abstraction of the world (the perceived sphere) delivers a powerful shock, 2d6, as does touching it with a conductive item like a weapon. They also gain the power to cast the Sphere Wizard spell on a willing participant, turning any willing character into a Sphere Wizard level 0 in their service. This is a one way ticket though, fellas.
  • At 13th level, a Sphere Wizard is also always aware of the presence of any dead and restless spirits in the vicinity of its interface, and it can communicate with them, because both time and death are an illusion.
  • Sphere Wizards may advance to level 16.
Remember that it is possible that none of the above is.....strictly true. That the sphere wizard manifestation is a long range projection of some Magic-Users tripping ass-to-balls on some powwwerful shit. That when this connection is disrupted it pulls some innocent being to our world to die, while hemorrhaging the MU's brain. That there be a sunflower forest somewhere filled with dead Magic-Users. This is possible.

This is likely.


  1. You may conduct an additional manipulation or observation each round for 1d4 rounds.
  2. You can perfectly recall anything from the current session; that is, you invoke a hint from the DM, that must be delivered concisely and in clear, unambigious language.
  3. You wobble and the world hurts, and something in the world exists less than it did before. A target within your reach (above) takes 1d6+1+Wisdom modifier in damage.
  4. Your "globe" displays one of your memories, perfectly, for 30 seconds. Anyone viewing you sees this memory perfectly from their perspective, no matter what that is.
  5. You may hide your presence, becoming a thin pin-prick of light imperceptible except on like an amazing roll (like 100 on two different d100 rolls) for a number of minutes equal to your level.
  6. Every creature who can see you who is within your range of effect experiences the damage described in 3.
  7. You may exist in 3 points simultaneously, dividing your normal abilities and Perspectives between them.
  8. You heal yourself your Intelligence in hit points.
  9. You take on all the normal capabilities of a Downball.
  10. You may create a false shadow of yourself, a Bubble Buddy. This Bubble Buddy orbits alongside and around you but does not act. If you are hit, you can always elect to have that hit make contact with your Bubble Buddy. If you are crit, or if you roll a 1, your Bubble Buddy always pops. You may only have as many Bubble Buddies active as members of your party, one BB orbiting around each.
  11. Your 'surface' turns black and a wave spreads out from you, dark light. 10d6 damage to all living creatures.
  12. Your entireness absorbs the souls of any creatures you kill. Keep track of who you absorb. From now on, once per day, you may know one thing that each soul within you knew (Ask the DM a question they could answer). You also roll the creatures' HD and heal that many HP at time of absorption.
  13. You gain the freedom of full flight, e.g. you won't float down a pit to your doom, for a day.
  14. Any amount of spells and spell slots may be invested in you by other Magic-Users for the duration of a day.
  15. In the event that you are killed, you reappear in your position from 10 minutes previous with 1HP and 0 remaining Perspectives.
  16. Your interface may change between a sphere and a form resembling your old mortal shape, but with a glasslike translucence and filled with stars. You may switch between the two at will after invoking this ability. In your Sphere Wizard form, you have all your normal Sphere Wizard abilities. In your mortal shadow form, you possess all the abilities of a normal Magic-User 1/4 your level, including the ability to wield weapons, use magic items like rings and clothes, cast from scrolls, etc. You are 2 points easier to hit in this form.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Killing Goliath - somethingsomething Elemental Evil 5e something, Part 3

Full disclosure with 2 parts of this series down, I actually dislike elemental races as a theme. Making de-rigueur elementals and genies and shit makes those already hoary concepts feel all the thinner, and makes meeting a full fledged member of their nation a less inspiring affair. So write me off as pretty stupid for even doing this article series or else read on to hear me complain further about the Goliath.

Some people hate race-as-class, and I get it. I think it simplifies a lot of things and makes you think about what about your character is important to you, but I get it. What bothers me, then, are latter-day races which are basically classes, or which step on what classes do that makes them special. In the Goliath's case they're a race who live as barbarians, so they are a race of Barbarians. You can be a barbarian Barbarian and just be a threshing machine or you can be a barbarian Wizard because why should anyone be required to make a choice? Less either or! More either AND!

I also don't read dnd novels but while I'll give the benefit of the doubt that someone made them interesting their game-book-lore is dull as dishwater. They also simply boil down to being a big guy race when you could spend your big guy nickel on something more interesting.

The elephant in the room, though:

Goliath lost.

Everyone knows this. In the world.
Tiny babies know this.
Dumb people know this.
And he was killed by a tiny baby man.

Confidence is not inspired when you name your race "Losers." Even half-giant would be a clearly better name, except that outside of Dark Sun we aren't allowed to call them that becaussssse why again? Oh because there's technically a different half giant stat block somewhere. Honestly that sounds like another mark against these guys, that they don't even have that aspect of themselves locked down.

There is a type of character that I've always liked the idea of, but my general dissatisfaction with just animal races prevented me from exploring. The great thing about them is that, as a burly race of mountain creatures, I need do very little to convert them over. They instantly come with a swimming pool of awesome points of reference, factoids, and their own societies that we know a lot about. I'll even play ball and name them after some famous loser of their species.


Ability Score Increase: Increase your Strength score by 2, and your Constitution by 1.
Age: Kerchak grown ape by 12, dead ape by 60.
Alignment: Ape law.
Size: Big but Medium.
Speed: 30'.
Great Ape: You have training in the Athletics skill.
Mighty Ape: You have proficiency with Constitution saving throws.
Strong of Limb: You count as Large for carrying/push/pull/lift formulas.
King of Mountain: You're acclimated to high altitudes above 20,000' and you're naturally adapted to a warm, humid climate.
Languages: You can speak Common and Primordial.

I swapped out Stone's Endurance for something that felt in that spirit without feeling too Barbarian, changed a Language, and changed their climate adaptation, but otherwise they work off the shelf. Hell, they'd work by just crossing out "Goliath" and writing "Gorilla."

Outside of coming with an existing culture and thousands of hours of footage to draw inspiration from, these guys have a couple other advantages:
  • Puts more Tarzan/Burroughs into the game which is always welcome.
  • Puts more Planet of the Apes into the game, which I always welcome.
  • Puts more Kong into how long do I have to keep doing this you get the point.
  • Gorillas doing anything will always look cool when drawn.
  • If we get the inevitable bloat of racial Feats, Gorillas can go in a lot more interesting directions than just shrugging off even MORE damage.

Monday, June 1, 2015

VDND Aasimar That Aren't Aasimar unholy mother fuckers...
Aasimar and Tieflings are both examples of another thing I dislike in late-era races, which is races that are built around inherent use of one to eight spells, normal every-day spells at that. I don't like being a Hermione race any more than I do being a Conan race. They also have the big problem to themselves that they can never be as interesting as Tieflings, because angels are never as interesting as demons unless you get to the point I like, where you treat them as functionally identical.

The best way I can think of to make them interesting is to basically throw them out and start over with a new divine-inspired race type. Which is what D&D has done before, and what I've done now. I decided to make them a floating sub-race, and having done so I'm surprised why I haven't seen more of these in the DIY community. Humans were slightly tricky, but otherwise most races can graft this on easily and you can explain those who can't with the fact that the universe is sometimes a huge dick. Especially heaven. I'm sure you could take the Power of the Word sub-class feature as a Feat later? Or work with your dm to make your 1/3 human 1/3 orc 1/3 angel thing? But that's your lookout not mine.

As replacements for Aasimar, they do raise the question, why are these many different kinds of angeltouched being but only humans made half-devil-people? The obvious answer is that everyone but humans knew better.

The Word

The Word are in fact a sub-race which can be applied to any existing race that has a sub-race. Dragonborn, Half-Orcs, and other halfbreed and mongrel races - those without a subclass - are not shewn the true light of the Word. This is the will of the Word. (For Humans wishing to speak the Word, simply add +1 to any 2 Ability Scores and a Language then ignore anything else you would get for being a Human. You are now the Word.) Those who seek the Word will find the Word, though the Word may not speak to them. Those who hear the Word become vessels for the Word, and endeavor to spread the light and order of the Word.

When you choose to be a vessel unto the Word at character creation, you gain the following benefits:

Ability Score Increase: Increase your Wisdom by 1.
Light of the Word: Your eyes may glow brightly like candleflames as an action. You may extinguish this effect as an action. You may also dim and control the brightness of this effect.
Power of the Word: You may speak the Word as an action, though afterward you must take a long rest to regain your strength. Upon reaching 5th level, your understanding of the Word has deepened to the point where you recover more quickly, and may speak the Word again after a short rest.

The Word is all and eternal, but vessels of the Word are weak and simple. Their understanding of the Word is limited to these expressions:

Faim- You confer resistance to necrotic damage to an ally, and yourself gain advantage on saves against necrotic damage. These effects last until your next rest.
Ilthyk- You confer resistance to radiant damage to an ally, and yourself gain advantage on saves against radiant damage. These effects last until your next rest.
Gilr- You may speak as a reaction to allow another who has used their reaction already to make another reaction.
Mosch- You speak and allow another who has or has nor acted in this round to make an additional action this round.
Padiihs- You may impose disadvantage on a knowledge check, and gain advantage on your next knowledge check.
Rav- Your booming voice communicates a single-word concept to all intelligent creatures within 100' of you, regardless of language.