Saturday, May 14, 2016

I'm Playing Chrono Trigger Through For The First Time


  • I have to pick my combat style before the game starts and I know how to make that decision. I pick Wait, because that's what I'd like to do about this decision.
  • Oh what is my guy's name why his name is BALLS thank you for asking.
  • Chiptune birds.
  • Five more minutes mom.
  • My bed is apparently just leaned against the wall because I stroll out of it. Can't get back in bed damn it. 
  • AWW SHIT BOI YOU CAN OPEN AND CLOSE THE CURTAINS THIS THE REAL SHIT NOW BB NEXT GENERATION GAMING
  • Mom move aside...oh I have a friend who builds machines. Must be some fake geek girl, bet she's never even played Chrono Trigger.
  • Her name you say? balls.
  • Oh man every time you run over this cat it goes EEUU man why do they still even make video games give these people the Emmy shut it down.
  • I AM HUGE. I AM BOHUNKUS THE CRUSHSTROYER!
  • This town has one house and a store in it and this town has one house and a hotel.
  • There's balls' house am I supposed to go there? I'm probably supposed to go to the chiptune fireworks, I'm sure those fireworks took a whole dungeon's worth of space on the cartridge so it's probably important. Of course by that logic I'm about to fight some motherfuckin birds.
  • Man I look terrible when I am huge. Ladies...
  • Butt Review #1: BALLS has a terrible butt. It's like someone stapled a stadium cushion to the guy (guy?)
  • Welcome to the annoying music party.
  • So note to Reynaldo, for BREAK!! to have verisimilitude every campaign needs to begin with idiots doing nothing in a town based setting aside from walking back and forth waiting to yell at you about nondigetic concepts. "My muscles feel good after rolling dice all day! I get a workout from critical hits! Roll 20 for an extra surge of strength! Mwah!" fuk yuuuuuuu
  • Oh shit I'm getting mugged by Princess Zelda.
  • You are definitely Princess Zelda.
  • Your name is Ze.....
  • Your name is 84115.
  • Man six sodas is pretty good you asshole the button doesn't go any faster.
  • Here's that girl's cat but I can't get it.
  • You're not eating lunch you're doing sprints, you're faster than the green guy.
  • Ohhh shit giant singing robot cat sumo fighter DONE.
  • We have defeated him but I'm not sure how, I hit A a lot.
  • We get 15 silver which somehow turns into an exchange rate of 25g/1s or is silver not supposed to be gold? It's confusing either way.
  • Better sword. No you can't have this pendant it is obviously the Triforce.
  • Awesome skull tent DISEMBODIED CLOWN FACE three guys named after star wars guys ok now what oh shit I was supposed to pay attention to where they went ummm fuck there goes my money.
  • There is no penalty to this race so if I just bet on the green guy for long enough eventually it will be him.
  • Better outfit. I will be prepared.
  • Bitch you take to long to buy candy.
  • Man a whole bunch of other running around back and forth and getting money using the booths. Money is cheap so far.
  • Now we're at the demonstration put on by my friendzoned Velma friend, balls, and her dad, Ron Swanson.
  • Time to become Brundlefly.
  • Aw.
  • Well 84115 is fucking dead.
  • No I'm not trying to become Time Brundlefly I'm just stealing her jewelry.
  • Fine, I blew up and now it's the past.
  • Fighting goblins now. Goblins riding Totoros. Are these goblins or frogs? Wait do I get a frog? Do I remember that right?
  • Here's Ron Swanson's distant ancestor making a bell and wishing he had a little Velma girl, just hang in there a few centuries...
  • balls' house ain't here.
  • Bridge out of town is gon.
  • Goblins and Shroomoids and shit now, a mysteeeerious box we can't open.
  • Oh here is the castle.
  • No shit is she the queen except no shit is she not really the queen guys.
  • Chancellor acting shifty but all chancellors always act shifty.
  • OK I got a nap and some food where the hell do I go, these towers look like dead ends...
  • No the mountain is where I materialized, these are the world's tiniest towns, guy in the bar mentioned a creepy church? OK here is the church.
  • GHOSTS! Oh wait she turned around it's just nuns. NUNS! REVERSE!
  • She is getting some amazing sound out of that organ considering she's playing it with her ass.
  • Wander around the whole castle again. Oh here she is this tower keeps going.
  • Oh no! 84115! She exploded!
  • The bit where you actually watch her different generations grow up and spring off is neat but does this mean that all these women hit like 100 yrs old?
  • balls is here! Time for us to investigate this church again finally since we're ALLOWED TO. No points for putting all this together already.
  • These snake dames never get to attack. No matter how much they slow me...
  • Oh right, so fighting is apparently done on a recharge/cooldown system like a MMO and some characters recharge faster than others, I guess a character or enemy's general speed determines order unless magic slow or haste comes into play, also you have to navigate menus on the fly in close-to-real-time combat. I never liked that in Kingdom Hearts, it works a bit better here unless you, yknow, want to use Tech and think about your choice for more than a second. Man, Square just loves holding onto things, but we already knew that. 
  • Also you gain Tech Points which I guess means Technique and unlocks abilities that in turn use Mana Points or Magic Points or McDonald's Points.
  • OK cool scene with monsters in the break room talking about being shitty human impersonators and then a monster is like time to go on shift and when we leave HE leaves and we see him walk into another room. When we go in that room there are people pretending to be the Queen and Chancellor and shit so that's great. "The quest is finished, everything is fine, go home after clearing one room." Nice. But then they all turn into monsters to attack me when I try to leave and none of them turn into the guy I followed here. Seems odd to call attention to a detail like that and then whiff on it.
  • ah HA i KNEW  I got a frog.
  • So the princess' name was supposed to be Merle and now we have a frog named Frog. Man these people are terrible at names...
  • anyway now his name is Balz.
  • Puzzle room but like puzzle in quotes.
  • Chancellors always shady this one is a grub monster. He goes down qu-i-ck. Queen's here.
  • Everybody's happy, oh right princess zelda let's check upstairs again...
  • OK now that the Marty McFly effect has been dealt with she is here and alive again and definitely the princess and she things the frog is gross. balls also thinks the frog is gross. Scintillating character development.
  • Balz has failed his queen and just leaves. Forever? Who can say. Velma style girl has mixed emotions about him leaving. I thinks balls is going to fuck Balz.
  • Fight through mountains and then back to the future!
  • I'm in trouble. I didn't NOT kidnap the queen I guess...
  • The trial is a neat set piece but I actually know ahead of time that this is something of a supposed-to-lose encounter, which bleh. I don't even try.
  • I am in jail.

Somewhere in the past Balz is doing a Goemon walk-off. 84115 is princess zelda and she has to go do princess things and not save me because SHUT UP, WOMAN apparently. balls is also someone who exists. The character I've spent more time with in this game and my childhood friend is so far this blank slate sexless Donatello. BALLS was arraigned in superior court, county of Los Angeles, in a moment the results of that trial.