Monday, September 2, 2013

Odd Gods and Sods

Yes you can worship Dio.

Gods should all be monsters, not cloud-dads or Catholic But or distant naked women. We want our naked women HERE and our gods pants-crappingly horrible. Also, god lists are boring and a waste of my time. I write a big list of gods and their imaginary feuds and traits and stuff only for someone to come in and ask "Can my cleric pray to Satan?" Of course your character can pray to Satan. "Can I worship the god of crocodiles since I have a pet crocodile?" Absolutely, we'll just make a god of crocodiles....Goes that way every time, and then when they know all the gods it's not new or scary of interesting when they run into a cult of Orcus. The dudes learned about Orcus in seminary. They've been waiting their whole life for this.

I figure that should be Plan A instead of Plan B: have your players tell you what weird god they want to worship, then write it down and add it to the canon, growing your heavens as cool stories and prophets come along. That's how these pantheons likely grew anyways, right?

Players can't come up with a god on the spot? NO PROBLEM! These are written specifically with a mind to use them for Doublecrossroads but the monstrous gods generated here could fit into most settings, or the charts could be easily modified to make them fit. Roll 4d20:

Yeah some of these might give you seemingly conflicting or redundant traits but the thing generates 16,000 distinct gods so I'll forgive a few things like that. You're all big boys and girls and can figure out how to reconcile those for yourselves. After all while the chart can be taken very literally (the blank blank blank of blank) I use it more to free-associate random qualities with a god before further fleshing them out. After all, it's not what they can do or what they're god of, it's what they DID and what they DO, the stories about the gods, that matter. I think +Patrick Stuart  was writing about that recently?

Also, yes, you can get "man-man-BLANK-man." That just means you worship L. Ron Hubbard or some shit.

Have trouble coming up with names for your odd god? No problem: roll 1d4+1 d20s, putting breaks wherever you feel like it:

  1. Ra
  2. Ma
  3. De
  4. Ko
  5. Chu
  6. Lo
  7. Ur
  8. Sur
  9. Tan
  10. Dam
  11. Kel
  12. Jun
  13. Wo
  14. Por
  15. No
  16. How
  17. Fas
  18. To
  19. Ze
  20. Sha
Yes you can end up worshiping King Dedede from the Kirby games. Deal with it or reroll or hey make up your own name, look how amazingly easy it is! STEAL A NAME! We can have more than one Thor.

1d12 SAMPLE ODD GODS:

  1. Kelde, hideous forgotten birdlord crow
  2. Surlo, DOUBLEHAWK Destroyer and Bringer of Utter Madness
  3. Kofas-Jun, forgotten snake-man from outer space
  4. Chuko Zeporfas, trickster reaper of golden fog
  5. Sha-Fas-Tan-Dam-No, gigantic insect merchant of hope
  6. Tanra Dam Wo, benevolent puma protector of the crossroads
  7. Rachuto Rato, lost giant flaming statue (How the fuck do you lose a flaming statue? CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT DURING PLAY!)
  8. Shachuno, shining mad statue of traders
  9. Lolo-Ur, mad man-eating sex ape
  10. Howsha, butcherous man-eating fire snake
  11. Fas-Jun-Por, golden griffon collector of the sky
  12. Tohow, cruel skeletal sex demon
Remember that in a polytheistic world where the gods often have physical addresses and may know your specific name, picking a religion isn't like picking a sports team. Feel free to not believe in the gods but that'll have about as much positive effect as not believing in thunderstorms or werewolves. Otherwise, while you may respect the practice of worship of most not-entirely-terrible gods and monsters, you yourself should venerate up to 3, just to keep your bases covered in case one ends up pissed at you for no reason.Clerics and monks and other variants and shit, of course, must worship at least ONE god. It doesn't really matter which one, though, at least for most BX games (and certainly my games), so have fun with it.